


To Help you Remember

by MoominJaye



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Fluff, M/M, Major Illness, Sadstuck, Suicidal Thoughts, Would write more but I don't wanna spoil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 17:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3777970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoominJaye/pseuds/MoominJaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave's life is all in all shit. But John makes it just that bit better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>((The Major Character Death Warning isn't about John or Dave))</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Help you Remember

**Author's Note:**

> (TW)  
> There is references to dirty things.
> 
> There are some typos, I'll try and sort them out another time.

I remember every day.   
Everything is vivid in my mind.  
I love it. And hate it.   
The good times. And the bad times.  
I can't forget.   
Everything I did, when you were there too.  
And some when you weren't.  
But you were in my mind.  
I want to keep having these memories.   
All of them.  
Please.  
I beg of you.  
Don't leave me.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My throat hurt as much as my fingertips. I was breathing too hard, breathing in the harsh cold air. It seeped to my lungs and I wanted it to stop. I went to the park. I know this is cheesy and cliché but I like to think of it as our park. Not at the time though. I hated everything then. I just wanted it all to go away.

Anyway. I went to the park. It was late, really late, and no one was there. I sat on the swing and contemplated my life. Thought about the difference I had on the world. Thought about how nothing I thought about could make my thoughts better. Thought about how dumb that was. Thought about how dumb I was. And that's why I deserved to be treated the way I was. How it was either live this way, or die. And how the latter was looking the warmer of the two.

I was in a dark place when I met you. When you walked over and sat on the swings beside me. Looking as cheerful as one would on a warm Summers day. It made me feel worse. Like how someone like you must have had a key to seeing the world differently. Why couldn't I have that key? Did I do something wrong?

You looked at me, sort of smug, I think. Then you looked forward and swing lightly. 

"It's pretty cold out huh?"

I ignored you. I wanted you to go away. I wanted you to leave me alone. This is why I came to the park this late at night. To be alone. You ruined it, and it made me so angry.

"I like to come here, when I want to be alone. But I know deep down I want to talk to someone. To rant to someone." You looked at me. "Do you want to rant? I'll listen."

I couldn't breath. I couldn't understand why you would care. I later realised it was because you are a selfless person. An angel. You can't be human. I didn't know that then though. I just cried. I hadn't cried since I was a baby. I kept my cool. I kept my form and you broke it like a game of Jenga, I lost. You bolted off of your swing and wrapped your arms around me, like that would help. I wasn't sure if it did or not, but I did carry on crying into your chest, like I'd known you my whole life. I didn't care, and I don't think you did either.

I ended up talking to you. You didn't say much, but we were both ok with that. I told about my problems. I spilled myself onto the floor for you, I put my trust in a complete stranger. And you didn't abuse that trust.

I left as the sun started to rise. I went back home, which was not the plan when I had left that night.

That is how it started. The takeover of my brain. The transition of not you to you. I had no control, like usual.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a few weeks before I saw you again. Dirk, my brother, was rushed to hospital, and I hit a new low. I don't know why, he didn't treat me all that well, but I loved him and he was staring death in the face. I left the hospital and went to the park.

I didn't get far in before I heard your voice shout out to me. You asked me if I was ok. I told you I wasn't, even though to everyone who had asked me that earlier that day I told them I was. I told you the truth. You rubbed my shoulder and asked it I wanted to talk about it. This time I shook my head. I thought you would be surprised but you just smiled and walked on to the swing set.

I followed you. We stayed silent for a few minutes and then you started to talk. You started talking about little things that didn't matter. 'Why was the sky blue if space was black?' 'Why is the air colourless?' 'What is the wind?' But also things you had done that day, how your dad baked you another cake, how you nearly broke your computer with a code gone wrong, and mostly about terrible films that you love so much. I'm not going to lie, your movie taste is awful. But unsurprisingly you still made me smile, laugh even. And I own you my life for that.

"I don't want to be alone." I admitted to you. You smiled sadly and hugged me again. You told me that you would make sure I wasn't ever truly alone, you said that you were there whenever I needed you.

Bro was awake when I got back, and we hugged it out too.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bro told me we were low on money. And I knew exactly what that meant. He told me he was sorry, that he didn't want this, that we had to. I agreed, and hated myself for it. I bit my tongue and did it anyway.

We didn't talk for a while after. It always goes like that. Which makes me believe that he hates it too. I don't want to talk about it.

I went to the park after. I sat on the swing set. I sat there for 4 hours and 37 minutes. I knew I was selfish for thinking you'd come. I knew you had better things to do then spend your time making me feel better. I didn't want to go back home. I couldn't look at him. He made me sick. So i sat there, on my own, like I wanted to do the first time. I held my head in my hands and stared into the colours change at the back of my eyelids. When I sat back up, however, you were there and I was so happy. I jumped up and hugged you this time. You laughed, but hugged me back. I remember gripping your shirt as if I would fall into an endless pit if I let go. You brushed your fingers through my hair, like I was a dog, but it calmed me down.

"How long have you been sat here?"

I didn't want to answer, I didn't want you think I was needy, but I did and you gasped. Holding me tighter while telling me you were sorry, as if you had done something wrong.

After you stopped talking, we stayed silent for a while, then you asked me if I wanted to come to yours. I said yes and you lead me out of the park.

We sat in your room on the floor for a while, talking, drinking hot chocolate and eating cake that your dad had brought up. After a while Jane came in, you know, your sister, yeah? Yeah. She came in covered in flour and said that she needed a shower so we were to get out. We left and sat in the study.

You showed me your piano skills, you played this really sad song, then a lot of happy ones. either way they were really good.

You called me cute and innocent. And I thought it time to leave. I wasn't cute and innocent. I was disgusting, and had done gross things, but I hadn't told you that. You said goodbye and I left. Not before you gave me your number so a repeat of that day wouldn't happen.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bro got a sustainable job. He got a job and started going to night classes to further his education, to make him more employable. He told me we wouldn't struggle for money again, and I cried again, but happily. He took me out to dinner as a celebration and I was happy. I was really happy and I only thought about how much I wanted you there. How much I wanted you to enjoy dinner with us, I wanted you to meet Dirk when he was happy like this. Not stressed and upset. So I called you for the first time. It took a lot of confidence on my part, and Bro helped. I called you and you said you would love to. We picked you up and we went to dinner. We went to a Chinese all you can eat buffet and talked and laughed and ate.

We dropped you off, Bro stayed in the car while I walked you to your door.

We stopped outside your door and I couldn't stop looking at you. You noticed and kept looking around, then at me, then to the ground, then at me again. You looked at me over your glasses and smiled, then laughed nervously for some reason. You then looked at your thumbs which you were twiddling, and you stopped smiling for a second. I instinctively cupped your cheek, which made you look up wide-eyed. I leaned in and kissed you. And you kissed me. I smiled and said goodbye, you didn't say anything, and watched me leave. I heard you squeal when you thought I couldn't though.

Bro fist bumped me when I got in the car, I forgot he could see. He told me he approved, as if I needed his approval, and ruffled my hair. The rest of the car drive was   
sorta silent.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The very next day I got a ring at the door. When I opened it, there was a box. I brought it in and set it on the counter. I opened it and it was a cake, with icing there was written 'Thank you'. I saw a card sticking out from the side, that read: 'But if you hurt my son I will personally come and find you.'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We saw each other a lot more often after that. It was some unspoken fact that we were dating. We walked a lot. No where in-particularly, but around. I got the most exercise then then ever. We held hands a lot, and kissed a lot. I never felt so close to anyone. My life was really looking up.

We had been dating for months. And you knew everything about me and my past. Everything about my parents, about... our previous money predicaments. You didn't care, you weren't disgusted.

You weren't sick of me even after a year.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bro was rushed into hospital again. He had been hanging around with the wrong crowd, but I didn't want to say anything. I should of. I hate myself for it. You told me it wasn't my fault but it was.

Bro was rushed to hospital after overdosing. I found him on the sofa and called you right after I called the ambulance. You got here first. I think that is also a reason.

You came with me to the hospital and I felt better with you there. I was still so scared. I didn't move from his bedside and you didn't move from my side. You refused to leave even though I told you you could go.

He didn't make it. I was left alone. Except for you. I only had you. In the entire world, you were the only one left who ever showed me any kindness. I was bullied by everyone before you. They all called me a freak because of my eyes but you said they were 'Mesmerising'.

You took me home to yours, refusing to leave me on my own. I think you were scared I would lose it again. You were afraid that I would spiral to the place I was when I met you, you always treat me too delicately. Like I would shatter if I was treated too roughly. Maybe that is true. I don't know. I like to think I'm stronger then that, but at times like those it didn't take much to make me completely suicidal, and you knew that. I think you knew me more then I knew myself.

We didn't speak much on the drive back to your's, but we were content with that. You held my hand the whole way, squeezing occasionally, your dad kept silent as he drove too. Too afraid to say the wrong thing I guessed. When we got back I went to your room and straight to sleep. I was exhausted and I hadn't the energy to feel emotion let alone eat dinner, or walk for that much longer. It was like I was on a low from a super energy-drink binge, of not sleeping for 5 years. You didn't come up for a while after that. When you did I was still awake, I was just lying there on my stomach facing the wall, I heard you open the door and crawl into bed next to me, I moved to allow your arms to weave around my waist and I well asleep to the sound of your breathing and the rise and fall of your chest against my back.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We went on a lot of dates, at first to take my mind of my shit life, but also because we loved spending time with each other. We went to town, to the cinema (a lot) and to coffee shops, anywhere really. But the one I remember the most is when we went to the park.

We hadn't been there in so long, we didn't feel the need. We weren't kids, and we didn't have to go there to see each other. But one night, I was at yours. We were playing video games, and you asked. You said you wanted to feel young again. You said that life was coming down hard and you wanted to make the most of it before we had to get serious. Even though it was dark and cold you shoved me in my coat and we went out. Your family was sleeping, and they didn't know any better.

We first went on the swings, but instead of separate ones, you managed to sit on my lap as we lightly swung, it was awkward but romantic, we talked for a long time. You stole my shades and we chased each other around the play jungle, and you were right, I did feel young and carefree again, but when are you ever wrong? We had trouble going down slides with out grown bodies, and we had to crawl through some places, but it was too much fun for any of us to care. We sat in each others arms, under the slide and dosed off, we must have looked like homeless because it was just before sunrise when we woke up, we couldn't feel our ears and noses. We sat on the climbing frame and watched the sun rise in the sky, we watched the clouds change colour, and it wouldn't have been half as beautiful if you weren't there with me. You asked me to move in with you, not to your dad's, you wanted us to get our own place and I couldn't say no if I wanted to.

He had a cold for a whole week after that and your dad lectured us on doing stupid things, but I regret none of it.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You fell in love with a small run-down house by our park. You said we could take our kids there. Of course you wanted kids. Why wouldn't you. You just loved people.

We spent many hours doing up that house, a lot of memories are in the making of it, and I wouldn't replace one. When we first bought the house, we had a picnic in the empty living room.

We painted the walls until night came, then we fell asleep on a single mattress on the floor, cuddled up together, then we would wake up and get back to work, playing music and singing on the top of our lungs.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night I came home from a shit day at work. You were playing the piano, I remember sitting next to you on the stool and watching you, you were playing a slow song, but it didn't feel sad, it was calming almost. If I could show you the song I would. I had heard the song before, I loved that song. I got you to record it and I burned it to disc. I wrapped my arms around your waist and hummed along to it.

I stopped you from playing and put it on from the speaker. I held your hands and we danced to it. You rested your head on my shoulder and breathed into my neck, I held onto your waist with one hand and took your hand in my other, we 'danced' for hours, and I was happy.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You wanted to tell me something. You had been texting me to come home as soon as I was done, I did.

You had a romantic candle lit dinner set out. I knew it was something important, you hated going in the kitchen to cook or bake anything. You were at at one end, a menacing look on your face. You were wearing a really nice suit. You told me to wear something nice, and I didn't see the point but I did it anyway. You had a way of going all out. You are just one massive sap.

The dinner was really tasty. I knew you were looking at me the entire time. I new something was up. You were nervous. God you were making me nervous! I don't even finish taking the fork of my last forkful out of my mouth before you start getting up and taking my plate away.

"Time for desert!"

"I'm sorta full"

"No your not!" You snapped. I shut up.

You brought though a cake, I groaned but you told me to shush. It was then that I noticed you were bright red and shaking. I stood up to help but you yelled at me to sit down, in which I did. You told me to close my eyes. I did that too. I felt you place the cake on the table infront of me and sit back down in your own seat. It was then that you told me to open my eyes.

I looked down at the cake. In red and blue icing was written.

'Will you marry me?'

I stopped breathing. I think we both did, you in anticipation and nervousness, and me in shock. The shock was short lived as I soon shouted the word 'Yes' so loudly that people in the next state could probably hear. I jumped up and hugged you and it was the sappiest moment of my life.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You bring up the wanting children again. And who am I to say no? You have done so much for me. But I do tell you that we should wait a while. For more money and a stabler home and you agree. But you still mope for the rest of the night. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sit down next to me on the sofa with our take out Chinese. I ask you how you are planning on eating without a fork or anything. You look at me for a second like I'm crazy. Then laugh, saying you forgot to bring one through.

This is hard to write so bare with me.

You place your plate on the coffee table and make your way to the kitchen. I wait for you to come in. I wait 2 minutes and shout though asking what it taking so long. You don't answer and I panic. Images of Bro on the sofa flash though my mind. Images of him laying in his hospital bed all wired up. I bolt to the kitchen quicker then I have ever ran before.

You were standing there, looking in one of the overhead cupboard, where we keep the glasses. Staring at them.

"Are you ok?" I say calmly, contradicting my heart.

"Y-yeah." You say, but you weren't sure.

You blink suddenly and close the cupboard. Then walk over to the cutlery draw and grab yourself a knife and fork. You make your way to the door but I stop you. I grab your cheeks in my hands and ask you if your alright again. This time you answer with much more confident. You tell me that your jut a little tired. I believe you, probably because I didn't want to think anything worse, and we sit back down and eat in front of the telly.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We hold hands as we walk down the street. It is pretty warm and there are quite a few people out. We talk about nothing in particular but everything at the same time. We wonder why the sky is blue when space is black. We wonder why air is colourless. We wonder what the wind is. We talk about your dad's cakes, your terrible coding skills, and mostly about your terrible movie taste.

I feel your grip loosen in mine. I feel your weight drop. I see you fall to the ground. I hear the collision. I stand there for a bit before falling to my knees beside you. I cry for the third time in meeting you. I've never cried more in my life. A large crowd formed around us and I shouted for one to call an ambulance. They came earlier this time. I held your hand the entire time. You were rushed into hospital and I had to wait. It was around 4 hours and 37 minutes. The doctor came out finally. She told me that you had a dangerous brain tumour. But it was caught in enough time to not be terminal. It was curable. But it effects your memory. And you can't remember ever marry me. Ever meeting me. And I don't know what fate it worse. They say there is a chance you will remember again. That it is only the stress of the tumour on the memory part of the brain of something.

They said there was a chance that you will go completely back to normal, that you will make a full recovery.

So this once in my life I'm hanging onto that bit of hope.

After meeting you, you have taught me that things can get better, so please get better.

I'm hoping rather then giving up.

The doctors say anything can trigger you to remember, so I'm writing this.

I'm writing this...

To help you Remember.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for Reading ;-;
> 
> I was thinking of maybe carrying this on. Like, not in the same format, but maybe of John waking up in hospital with no memory? Idk, just a thought.


End file.
